22.05.2012

hi all.

the past few days seem to have just lasted forever, i find myself hanging around, watching the clock waiting for the next time i am 'allowed' to eat, which is never much anyway. restrictive, small 'meals' (snacks).

i don't really know where to go from here. if i keep going the way i am, i will end up back in hospital, but i know that won;t be for a while because i won't let it happen, or, i can turn this around and quit doing what i am doing and quite frankly, wake up to myself.

the latter just seems too hard for the time being. i am using my behaviours to feel safe and reassured because i know what the result will eventually be, even if it is slow, it will happen.

agh. *sigh* (yes i do literally sigh when i say that :P)

where am i headed?

i also feel like a failure, because all the girls i've been in hospital with this time around, are all either back in or on the waiting list, while i'm the big fat one who can't control herself. i am a failure.

on a lighter note, i really am feeling the urge to get my sewing machine out and start sewing again. i find it so relaxing, i love to be creative an see what the outcome is. it is filled with endless ideas that i am free to explore.

who knows what i'll come up with next? haha.

love 

rhiannon

xo

hi lovelies,

100th post!!!
wow, i didn't realised i'd done that many posts!

today i spent the day looking through my many old journals; food diaries, thought diaries etc.

it made me realise how much of a hold this thing has over me, still, after all these years. i find myself still battling the same problems i was in all those journal entries.

it's quite sad really.

i haven't made any progress. sure i may have gained some weight because of IP but i am well on my way to losing it and my head space is still as screwed up as anything.

i want to be free, but i can't stand the look of the person who stares back at me in the mirror. i am filled with disgust and hatred for who and what i am.

i don't know where to go from here. i am stuck in a bad place. i can't help myself anymore.

in other news, i just heard that my little sister and her quite serious boyfriend, broke up. the poor thing is just in tears.

situations like this worry me so much because i know i deal with my problems through food and i worry that others may do the same. i'm sure my sister won't be the same as me but it very much worries me. i will be on close watch ensuring this doesn't happen, it just scares me. she has seen what it does to lives so i'm positive she won't go down the same road as me.

i hope you are all having a fabulous sunday, getting ready for the week ahead. hopefully i have some luck with finding some work! i guess you can never hand out too many resumes!!

love, peace & happiness

rhiannon 

xo

19 may

so i'm officially 20 now.

wow, i feel so old. 

the sad thing is i haven't done anything with my life since i finished school in 2010.

i feel like i have wasted so much time, and it's all because of my ED.

i guess a birthday just makes me realise how much time i've lost to this.

*if you are triggered, you may want to skip this*

you would think that this would make me want to improve things and move forward, but right now i'm finding myself doing anything i can to lose weight. i am just so fat now, and i can't stand it.

like i've said before, i don't weigh myself because i know how triggering it is, but i have been thinking about weighing myself just so i can lose the weight faster because i know i will want it gone if i know.

oh gosh, i can't believe how sick that sounds. my head is in a very messed up place and i can't help myself anymore.

i still haven't found myself a job, i so desperately need one, i have NO money at all which is making everything so much harder. the boy only gets paid fortnightly which is difficult too. i think we need to set out a nice little budget to get us by :)

i want to come on here and share some positive news for a change, i just want to apologise for always having such depressing posts. i guess it just reflects my life and how i feel. even mum said to me today that i am always sad. you would think all the medication i'm on would somehow help my mood, but nope, it doesn't do anything. overdosing doesn't help though.

I PROMISE I AM NOT A DEPRESSING PERSON as much as my posts seem it, i promise.

i have some great days and then i have some bad, the bad just seem to overcome to good :(

love to all

rhiannon

xo

10th may

hello. 

how is everyone?

life has been getting rougher each day.

i wish i could come here and post about how wonderful and fantastic my life is, but that just isn't realistic at the moment.

things are just plain hard.

i want to recover so badly, to live life, to be fun and carefree without a worry in the world, but in the same breath, i just can't do that right now.

recovery just seems impossible, i can't see my life being that dream. 

my behaviours are getting increasingly worse, again, it's as though someone has just rewound the tape and hit play again- i've been though it all before, i know how the story goes.

i am just incredibly unhappy with my weight at the moment. i am a fat mess. probably the biggest i've been in a long time although i don't actually k now my weight. i need to lose it all. 

*sigh* WHY does this always happen?

i'm sorry to always come on here and post about such negative topics, but it is really the only place that i can use as an outlet, whether people are reading or not. it just allows me to get it out!

i wish things could just be changed with click of a finger, like the movies, but this isn't the case. it isn't a reality.

i will one day regain my happiness, i have to have faith in that and know the someday i will be who i was really meant to be, without this demon.

love, peace and happiness.

 ♥

rhiannon

7 May

hi all ♥

it's been so long since i last did a proper post, but i am still around, i read everyday.

how are you all?

ALREADY!?!?!

i am doing...okay. i don't really know. i am in a very slow relapse that is spiraling more each day. i compare myself to where i was this time last year and i was just about to go into hospital again. right now, i feel very insecure within myself, and i want nothing more than to lose the weight i've gained from hospital(s) and i can guarantee that i will. i hate being stuck in this mindset though. i wish i could just be happy with who and what i am and accept myself for who i am.

in terms of life, i've changed my career path sadly :( the fashion college that i was supposed to be attending is 9 hours away in another capital city where it won't be practical for me to commute to and from, so unfortunately i've had to with draw my application :( BUT i will now be studying makeup artistry and receiving a diploma. it is only an hour train trip away too so alot closer and alot more practical and realistic.

i am still unsure and a little upset over this decision but i've told myself that if i still so desperately want to do my fashion course, it will always be there to go back to, perhaps when i am in a more stable state.

my life is lacking in a number of areas too. i am still looking for work. i had an interview at starbucks last week, but im pretty much positive that i didn't get it. i just didn't feel good in myself at the interview and i think it reflected through in my performance. 

i'm also on alot of prescription medication, to the point where i am sleeping until 12pm daily. i take way more than i am supposed to, and knock myself out cold for a number of hours. i know how unsafe this is, and i know it needs to stop but i am so addicted to it. my family is aware of it and my mum constantly hounds me to get off it, but i just can;t bring myself to do it. around a week and a half ago, i completely ran out of all my meds, and i had completely sleepless nights. it was like my worst nightmare, i guess that's why i stay on the medication, for fear of insomnia.

i am turning 20 in....9 days.

ugh, i have done nothing with my life since leaving school. it really makes me depressed. this illness has consumed my life completely and been the cause of my non-productivity.

i am at a point in my life where i am stuck, in a state of limbo. going more backwards than forwards.

i don't know where i am headed anymore.

well done if anyone has read this entire thing...and thankyou ♥

love, peace and happiness

♥

rhiannon